Title: Unsaid
Author: Justhuman
Rating: R - language
Disclaimer: Joss owns it all but can't take my subtext.
Author's Notes: Thanks to Aaronlisa for the lyrics, posted at the end.

"You know, the first time I wasn't even thinking." Bringing his hands up in frustration, Angel thought he could find a better way to put that. Rolling his shoulders, he continued more calmly.

"What I mean is that everything was happening so fast that I didn't have time to think about anything, except making sure you were okay." Angel slowly, began to pace, hands on his hips, not looking at his audience.

"Doyle was gone. Wolfram and Hart was tearing apart Cordy's head. I mean, I needed the scroll, but it was you I was looking for when I charged into the old office building. God, Wesley, you were so broken - smashed on the floor, your blood everywhere. I didn't know if you'd make it. I didn't think anyone could survive that."

Wesley was unmoved. Angel found it almost taunting. He didn't want to talk, but he was being driven to it. Silently, Angel cursed his surroundings. For a fancy house, this room was pretty bare. Needing something to do with his hands, he stepped up to wall, slowly running his fingers along the inlaid panels looking for the seams, the flaws.

"The next time, I -" Fuck, how was he supposed to say this? "Well, I guess if you were in a mood to fill in the blanks here, you'd say I was in the middle of my asshole phase. I don't know, maybe you'd say something more British. God, Wesley, you took a bullet!"

Slapping his hand against the woodwork, Angel leaned forward, putting his head against the line where the dark wood met the light. It was a way to catch his breath and to avoid looking at Wesley.

"You ever hear how Gunn tells the story? You were the guy willing to stand up against the man. Yeah, maybe half the guys on the street that night would put it that way. But, you know, when Gunn says it, his body temp jumps up, heart pounds a little harder, eyes dilate; says you did it all for him."

Pushing off the wall, Angel took long slow strides across the room, wishing for more to touch, to feel. "I went to the hospital that night. Cordy, more or less, told me to go fuck myself." Angel pause mid-stride as if Wesley had stopped him with his eyes. "I'm not saying I didn't deserve it, but I saw you two through the glass. Gotta say, Wes, it made me want to send Riley Finn a thank you present for dating Buffy. I thought you were my -"

Angel's hand was gesturing at the air like it could give him answers. "What, faithful servant. You were mine!" He shouted the last part into Wesley's unflinching face.

There was a little wave of shock running through Angel. He didn't remember leaning down, getting in Wes' face - didn't like that he was shaking between anger and something else. Standing up, he made his way to the stability of the wall again, his shoulders landing heavily on the panelled walls.

"You made me work to get close again, but I don't think I minded... much. God, you were so fucking good when you were in charge. I mean, I was maybe a little - or a, maybe a lot - bad, at listening, but being the boss brought out all the best things in you. Planning, giving orders, taking care of your people. It may not have always looked like it, but I noticed."

To Angel, it was kind of funny that a man that didn't have to breathe was having a hard time catching his breath. When was the last time that happened to him? There were emotions leaking around the edges that he didn't want to deal with.

"It was why I was so fucking pissed at you." He couldn't stop the anger from getting out into his voice. "Why the fuck did you think you needed to protect everyone by your god-damned self? God, I was – am - so pissed about Connor. There you were in another hospital bed, and all I could see was you bleeding to death on the ground because your were to damn arrogant to – let – me - in!"

Each word was punctuated by the crack of wood as Angel's fist shattered the wall he was leaning against. When he was done, the room was oppressively silent.

"Then you came and saved me. How much did you bleed for me over the years?" Angel found himself choking on the words never said. "We needed a change, you and me. The game we had going wasn't worth playing over and over. What do they say? When you care about someone, set them free."

Angel knew that wasn't quite right, but he figured for once that Wes wasn't going to quibble about a word. He began pacing again, pulling splinters from his hand.

"I might have noticed that you broke Faith out of jail to save me. I definitely noticed that you came back to me. Most days, you were the only thing keeping me sane over at the evil empire."

Angel sat heavily on the floor, so near but not touching.

"Of all the shit that happened, including the Orlon sphere, the only thing I might not forgive you for is fucking Lilah. Knowing that bitch had what I could never -"

Angel's hand was on Wesley's ashen face, when he recognized the footsteps coming down the hall.

When Spike and Illyria entered Vale's suite, Wesley's eyes were closed, and Angel had just finished tucking the long knife stained with Wesley's blood into his jacket. Walking past the other too, Angel simply said, "Bury him."

The Sun and the Rainfall - Depeche Mode

Someone will call
Something will fall
And smash on the floor
Without reading the text
Know what comes next
Seen it before
And it's painful

Things must change
We must rearrange them
Or we'll have to estrange them
All that I'm saying
The game's not worth playing
Over and over again

You're the one I like best
You retain my interest
You're the only one
If it wasn't for you
Don't know what I'd do
Unpredictable like the sun
And the rainfall

Things must change
We must rearrange them
Or we'll have to estrange them
All that I'm saying
The game's not worth playing
Over and over again